When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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