Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Randomize
