I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
