did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
