I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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