The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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