I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am one with the molecules
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
