that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm always down for nudity.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
