I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
