I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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