someone get that fucking seahorse.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
