I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
