we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
