He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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