your thong is hanging out like whoa
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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