They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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