it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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