I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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