Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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