after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize