some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
