ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
