he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
