I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
