conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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