I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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