i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
