and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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