I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize