ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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