So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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