the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
