pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
