If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
