All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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