Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize