He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
