The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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