You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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