I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
