i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
