I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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