he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
