Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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