I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
