And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
