Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
