I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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