Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
