I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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