I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
