I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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