saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
