I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
