I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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