I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I intend to get homeless drunk
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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