Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
