My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
