4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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